


it's okay for the thorns to pierce me as long as you bloom forever in my heart

by taekwoonskitten



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Other members mentioned very briefly, Pining, Unrequited Love, some blood, very Xiuyeol based but ChanChen endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 21:26:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14434410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taekwoonskitten/pseuds/taekwoonskitten
Summary: Chanyeol was not prepared for the second coughing fit, or the yellow flower petals that forced their way up his throat and fluttered down into the toilet. He stared down at them in vague horror until he heard Kyungsoo whisper “Oh,Yeol…” from the doorway, voice dripping with pity. He broke out into a cold sweat, scooting back to sit against the bathtub, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his shaking arms around them.“Kyungsoo,” he rasped, his voice shaking as much as the rest of him. “Soo, what do I do?”





	it's okay for the thorns to pierce me as long as you bloom forever in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to [Kiki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysoulrunswithwolves) (who also formatted this for me because she's awesome <3 -Kiki), [Cinny](https://twitter.com/tfvci), Sunn, Han, and Mini for being my awesome hype team and always encouraging me even when I wanted to give up. You guys are the real mvps 
> 
> This is far too short for how long it took to write, but I'm very proud of myself anyway.

Park Chanyeol had definitely been in worse pain before. At least, that’s what he tried to convince himself. There was that time when he was seven and had just learned how to ride a bike. The older kids in his neighborhood liked to bike and skate down this huge hill made of asphalt, and little seven year old Chanyeol who had just gotten his training wheels taken off thought that he was ready to join them. He had taken off down the hill as fast he possibly could, but halfway down he hit a pothole and his front tire twisted. The bike crashed to the ground, his foot got tangled up in the chain, and momentum he had gained continued to drag him down the hill. Not even the friction of his bare leg on the asphalt was enough to stop him. His older brother had seen the whole thing and helped him get home, but the asphalt had torn away all the skin on his right leg and it took two months for him to stop flinching everytime something came in contact with it. 

Then there was the time when he was sixteen and his friends had bet him that he couldn’t skate off the roof of his house and land in the pool. Long story short: they were right and he ended up with a broken arm, broken leg, and fractured ribs. 

Yes, he’s had a lot of painful experiences in his life. But even so, this pain was different. Love was a complicated business, and even though he knew Minseok could never love him back, he couldn't help holding onto hope. But what had started as a dull blooming ache in his chest, quickly developed into a persistent cough and soon enough he was hacking up bloody petals.

Yeah, it hurt. But he had to convince himself that this pain wasn’t as bad as him ripping off his skin or breaking his bones. It was the only way he was surviving this. 

 

***

 

It started with a smile. He and Minseok had been friends for years, but no smile from him had ever affected him this much. 

They were in Chanyeol’s pool, both clinging to the side with their arms crossed under their chins as they soaked. Chatting absentmindedly, Minseok turned to look Chanyeol, flicking his head to the side to flip the bangs out of his eyes and flashing him that bright crooked smile.

And Chanyeol’s heart stuttered. And his breath stopped and he couldn’t figure out how to make his brain make his body function again. He was too focused on the way Minseok’s mouth formed words and how his eyes sparkled when he smiled.

Chanyeol felt like he had been punched in the gut when he realized  _ Minseok is beautiful _ .

After a moment that could’ve been just a few seconds but felt like a lifetime, Chanyeol’s brain kicked back into action and he started breathing again. Minseok was still looking at him, his head tilted to the side and a questioning glint in his eyes. Chanyeol plastered a smile onto his face and threw his head back in a laugh, hoping that Minseok had been telling a story and not asking a question because his brain had not processed anything that the smaller man had been saying. Luck was on his side, it seemed, because Minseok beamed at him, his eyes turning into little crescents. And in that moment Chanyeol learned exactly what the phrase 'butterflies exploded in his gut' really meant.

 

***

 

Things were okay for awhile. Nothing really changed, it was only Chanyeol’s perception of Minseok that was different. With every look, every smile, every touch, Chanyeol could feel something dangerous yet exhilarating taking bloom in his gut. He was falling in love. He was terrified. While he barely paid it any mind before, now every time Minseok excitedly grabbed his arm or pat his thigh, Chanyeol could feel warm tingles start in his skin and sink into his bones. He ached for Minseok. Ached to hold him, to press his lips against the older man’s forehead, to never let him go. His his heart ached and he knew, sooner or later, something had to give. 

 

***

 

And sooner it was, but it was still too soon for Chanyeol’s bruised, aching heart. 

He half wished that he had never agreed to go to that party with Minseok. The party that turned the hopeful, beautiful budding flower in his heart into a thorny vine that snaked around his heart and lungs, squeezing all of the air and hope out of him. He wished he had never seen Minseok with that girl. Wished he had never seen him shove her against the wall and attach his lips to her neck. Wish he had never heard the way she moaned when Minseok’s fingers tangled in her hair as he pressed even closer to her. 

There was a part of Chanyeol that had already known. A part that kept whispering ‘ _ he’ll never love you’ _ in the back of his mind. But ignorance is bliss, and Chanyeol had been choosing to ignore it, he chose to hope and dream because he didn’t know for  _ sure _ . And the not-knowing hurt, but it was so much better than this. At least not-knowing came with a side of hope.

He drank far too much that night. 

He just wanted to… forget. Again. He didn’t want to think about Minseok being with anyone else so he filled his system with as much vodka as the guy doling out the drinks would let him have. He danced with anyone who looked his way, grinding his hips against theirs as he did his best to get lost in the music and the bodies. But he knew, with what little rationality there was left in his mind, that this wouldn’t help. He couldn’t use other people to get over whatever this is with Minseok. So he pulled himself away from the red headed man with the sinful hips and stumbled his way outside, the cool night air soothing his burning lungs and helping clear his head. 

He didn’t really  _ want _ to know where Minseok had disappeared to, so he pulled out his phone and called the one person he knew he could always rely on in a crisis: Kyungsoo. 

“Hey, Soo,” he muttered when the other had picked up. “I’m kind of… drunk? right now. And alone. I can't drive home. And…” He had to swallow a lump his throat before he could finish, his voice barely coming out as a whisper. “I could really use a friend.” 

It didn’t take long for Kyungsoo to find him, drive him home, and bundle him up in bed; setting out a glass of water and some painkillers on the nightstand for the sure-to-be killer headache that Chanyeol would have in the morning. 

Kyungsoo was about to shut off the lights and leave when a soft whimper made him turn back. Chanyeol, who was always bright and happy and larger than life, looked so-- small. So with a sigh, Kyungsoo walked back to the bed, pulled the covers back, and sat up against the headboard, holding his arms open in an invitation for Chanyeol to cuddle. 

Chanyeol folded himself into Kyungsoo’s arms much like a great dane trying to lie in a child’s lap. He sniffled once. Twice. Then the dam broke and he was sobbing into Kyungsoo’s chest. They laid like that for quite awhile. Chanyeol sobbing, Kyungsoo rubbing his back and gently whispering words of comfort into Yeol’s hair. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Kyungsoo asked once Chanyeol’s sobs had subsided into hiccups and soft whimpers.

Chanyeol’s ragged breathing was the only sound for a few heartbeats, and then he was pouring out his heart to Kyungsoo. He had held his feelings so close to his chest for so long, it felt really good to finally let them go. He felt lighter and he could breathe a little easier. 

But then he coughed. He coughed and something tickled the back of his throat and then he was lurching out of the bed, hearing Kyungsoo’s ‘ _ Oof’  _ as he pushed off of his chest, onto the floor, and ran for the bathroom. He felt the contents of his stomach roll and he knelt in front of the toilet, prepared to bring back up all of the alcohol that he had consumed that night. He was not prepared for the second coughing fit, or the yellow flower petals that forced their way up his throat and fluttered down into the toilet. He stared down at them in vague horror until he heard Kyungsoo whisper “ _ Oh _ , Yeol…” from the doorway, voice dripping with pity. He broke out into a cold sweat, scooting back to sit against the bathtub, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his shaking arms around them. 

“Kyungsoo,” he rasped, his voice shaking as much as the rest of him. “Soo, what do I do?”

 

***

 

Kyungsoo proved to be Chanyeol’s saving grace in the months to come. 

While Chanyeol had spent most of his time before with Minseok and their other friends, Yixing, Junmyeon, and Jongin, he now found himself pulled into Kyungsoo’s close circle of friends: Kyungsoo’s boyfriend Baekhyun and their friend Jongdae. Jongdae and Baekhyun were such a breath of fresh air. They were so bright and happy and so unapologetically loving that Chanyeol couldn’t help but be happy around them and forget about the pain in his chest for awhile. And they pulled Kyungsoo into their antics and made him smile, however grumpy he pretended to be about it. Chanyeol was… happy. And, at least for a little while, he could pretend that he didn’t go home every night and hack up bloody flower petals into his toilet. 

Kyungsoo knew, of course. Kyungsoo always knew what Chanyeol couldn’t bring himself to say. That’s what made him such a great friend; he was so in tune to what the people close to him were feeling. And Kyungsoo just… knew. Chanyeol remembered the nights, years ago now, when he would sit up all night with Kyungsoo while Soo coughed up bloody flower petals of his own. Chanyeol knew that Kyungsoo, of all people, understood what he was going through. And Chanyeol never escaped the knowing, pitying looks that Kyungsoo shot his way when they all got together. 

But he did his best to ignore the looks. Pity wouldn't save him. Pity wouldn't kill the roots of affection that had worked their way around his heart; pulsing with each beat, watered by his blood, stealing the breath from his lungs with each inhale. It thrived while he slowly withered away from the inside. 

He was more thankful than he could express for Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and Jongdae. They offered him cuddles and affection when he reached out for them, and knew when to give him space when he was feeling especially raw and vulnerable. 

Kyungsoo and Baekhyun weren't really into public displays of affection. At least, Kyungsoo wasn't. But sometimes Baekhyun would sneak small kisses onto the corner of Kyungsoo’s mouth, or his fingers would linger a little too long when they touched, and Chanyeol’s heart would pang as he thought of Minseok’s small, mindless touches and how they badly made Chanyeol want to kiss him. 

And sometimes being around the two of them was too much, and Chanyeol would seek out Jongdae and they'd spend the day, just the two of them, mindlessly talking about anything and everything. Or they would watch tv, or Chanyeol would play video games while Jongdae read a book. Chanyeol just enjoyed being in the same space as Jongdae, even if they weren't interacting. He liked the feeling of knowing he wasn't alone. 

Jongdae knew exactly how to make Chanyeol laugh and how to get him out of his own head. Sometimes Chanyeol couldn't bear being around Kyungsoo and Baekhyun, but sometimes it was them who couldn't stand to be around Chanyeol and Jongdae. They were just so  _ loud _ together. Jongdae always laughed like he was trying to be the loudest in the room. His bright laughter bubbled up from his chest and extended to every corner of the room, and Chanyeol couldn't help but bask in the rays of pure joy that spilled out of Jongdae like beams of sunlight, warming the darkest parts of Chanyeol's soul. He cherished every moment he got to spend with Jongdae and he took every opportunity he could to see him. 

***

 

One afternoon Chanyeol was lying on his couch, his head resting on Jongdae's thigh. Lost in thought, he barely noticed Jongdae's fingers in his hair, lightly scratching at his scalp while some drama played on the tv. Jongdae was reading, book propped open on the arm of the couch with one hand as he idly skimmed the pages. 

Chanyeol had been watching the drama, but he couldn't focus. It was a bad day for him. Infectious leaves tickled his lungs with each shallow breath and it took all of his concentration to keep the coughing at bay while still pulling enough oxygen into lungs. 

He was connecting the dots on his ceiling with his eyes, picking out shapes that made sense only to him, when the episode ended and the drama’s OST started playing. It took a few moments for him to realize that Jongdae was humming along with it under his breath. He probably didn't even realize he was doing it, but it sounded really nice and it soothed the burning ache in his lungs. 

Chanyeol scrambled around on the couch, propping himself up with one elbow on Jongdae’s thigh, his other hand coming to rest just above the knee on Jongdae’s other thigh. The hand that Jongdae had in Chanyeol’s hair slipped down to rest on his shoulder and it took a few moments more for Jongdae to tear his gaze away from the words on the page, but he raised one eyebrow in a silent question as he met Chanyeol’s eyes. 

Chanyeol flushed a bit, not entirely sure how to phrase his desires, not even sure what exactly his desires were. All he knew was that Jongdae soothed the ache, his voice sent thrilling chills through his veins, cooling the burning poison that spread with every beat of his heart. “Can you… can you sing for me?” Chanyeol finally murmured. 

Jongdae raised his eyebrow a bit further in surprise, but the corner of his mouth quirked up in a small half-smile. “Have I not sang for you before? I swear we've had karaoke nights.” 

Chanyeol grinned, letting out a breathy chuckle. “I mean, yeah but, I've never heard you  _ actually _ sing. Sing without being silly.” 

Jongdae barked out a sharp laugh at that and agreed, carefully placing a bookmark in his book and letting it fall shut as Chanyeol maneuvered back to his original position with his head on Jongdae’s thigh. Jongdae went back to running his fingers through Chanyeol’s hair as he started to sing, and Chanyeol let his eyes drift shut. His shallow breaths deepened and he found that the tickling in his lungs receded along with the ache. He allowed himself to be lulled into sleep, able to breathe deeply for the first time in days. 

 

***

 

Comfortable with his place in his new friend group, Chanyeol was able to stop hacking up flower petals every night. Though he could still feel the tickle of the infection against his lungs, it had grown stagnant with the distance he had put between himself and Minseok. Minseok asked, sometimes, about the distance. Chanyeol was full of excuses, the most common one was that he was picking up extra shifts at work so he could save money to go back to school. He wasn't. 

They went from seeing each other multiple times a week, to once a week, then every other week, and now they only saw each other once every other month. When they did see each other, their friendship was exactly the same as it had always been, and Chanyeol was always guaranteed a colorful, bloody coughing fit when he got home. The crimson blood splattered on the bright yellow petals mimicked the fiery poison that burned through his veins. 

But it was getting easier to bear. 

Until he got a text from Minseok asking to meet up again just a few days since their last hang out. He thought it odd, but he didn't have the heart to give any more excuses. He hated the way his traitorous heart leaped at the opportunity to see Minseok again so soon. 

They agreed to meet at a small hole-in-the-wall cafe for coffee. Chanyeol got there early and ordered, finding an empty loveseat in a back corner of the cafe that he could curl up on and read a book while he nursed his coffee and waited for Minseok to arrive. 

He was so engrossed in his book that it took him a few moments to notice a person standing over him. When he looked up, it was to see Minseok and a man he had never seen before, holding hands, their fingers entwined together. Chanyeol’s heart stuttered and his brain skipped over their joined hands, not processing what that meant. He just flashed them a smile, a small dimple dotting one cheek. 

Minseok flashed him that crooked grin and plopped down next to him, not letting go of the other man’s hand. With no room left on the loveseat, the man sighed and sat on the arm, giving Minseok’s hand a squeeze. 

“Yeollie!” Minseok exclaimed, squeezing Chanyeol’s thigh with his other hand. “I wanted to introduce you to my boyfriend, Sehun!” He turned to the man, Sehun, and smiled so wide that his eyes turned into crescents. “Sehun, this is my best friend Chanyeol!” 

If Sehun said anything, Chanyeol did not hear him over the sound of his own blood rushing in his ears. His blood ran cold, but he could feel a sheen of sweat on his skin and his vision kept going in and out for a few terrifying moments. When he was able to focus again, it was to see Minseok leaning in towards him, his face screwed up in concern. “Chanyeol? What's wrong?”

Chanyeol smiled weakly, wiping the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand. “I’m okay, Minnie. Something I ate didn't agree with me, is all. I should get home.” He scrambled to his feet, dislodging the hand that Minseok still had on his thigh, and exited the cafe as quick as he could. He was numb the whole way home. It was only when he texted Kyungsoo from the safety of his bathroom,  _ Hey, im kindof in bad shape, im sorry I need u, can you come over?, _ that the first coughing fit overtook him. 

That's how Kyungsoo found him, curled up on the floor of his bathroom, his toilet overflowing with yellow flower petals spotted with blood, and blood dribbling from his lips down his chin. More blood than he had ever coughed up at one time. Kyungsoo rushed to his side, cradling Chanyeol’s head in his lap and pushing his damp bangs off of his sweaty forehead. 

Chanyeol’s eyes were unfocused and he barely reacted to Kyungsoo touching him. Kyungsoo held him and murmured words of comfort to him as more and more coughing fits overtook him. "How did you survive this, Soo? How did you do it?" Chanyeol looked up at Kyungsoo with the most agonizing gleam in his eyes, the tears streaming down his cheeks mixing with the blood on his lips.

"You never knew, did you?" Kyungsoo asked, a sad smile momentarily stemming his own flow of tears. " You never knew that it was you I was in love with."

Chanyeol spluttered, feeling as if he had been punched in the gut, and blood started streaming out of his nose as another coughing fit overtook him. “Why didn't you tell me?” He tried to say before the world swayed, and then went black. 

 

***

 

When Chanyeol woke up, his throat was very dry and his entire body was sore. He groaned, bringing his left hand up to wipe at his face but stopping when something pinched and tugged his arm back down. He blinked his eyes open, and then Jongdae was there with gentle hands and concern his eyes. 

“Don’t, you'll pull the IV out,” Jongdae murmured as he swiped Chanyeol’s bangs off of his face, letting his hand rest on Chanyeol’s cheek for a moment, stroking his skin gently with his thumb. “How do you feel? Do you need anything?” 

Chanyeol’s throat was so dry he could barely rasp out “water”, but Jongdae must’ve understood him because he turned, muttered something to someone behind him, and then he was pressing a bottle of water into Chanyeol’s hand; the right one, the one without the IV. Jongdae took the cap off and helped Chanyeol guide it to his lips, and Chanyeol downed the whole bottle in just a few seconds. 

Chanyeol squinted in the bright lights, trying to get his bearings. He was clearly in a hospital. The question was, what had happened to land him here. He vaguely remembered Minseok asking to meet with him……  _ oh.  _ He braced himself, waiting for the stabbing pain of thorns sinking further into his heart as he remembered, but it never came. He felt… indifferent. He let out a gasp and looked over at Jongdae. “What happened?”

“We were hoping you could tell us,” said a voice from behind Jongdae, and Kyungsoo appeared at Jongdae’s side with Baekhyun just behind him. “I called an ambulance when you passed out, but what happened before you texted me, Yeol?”

Chanyeol thought back to his meeting with Minseok. He remembered the searing pain of thorny vines constricting around his heart and lungs, but his heart currently beat unhindered, and as he took a deep breath he found that he could breathe without the tickle of leaves rustling in his lungs. He was finally free. 

Kyungsoo already knew the beginning of the story, but Chanyeol started there anyway for both Jongdae and Baekhyun’s sake. He described the bud that, starved of the love it craved, had sunk its thorns into his heart and had been draining his life instead. Sehun had been the final thorn. 

Kyungsoo, in turn, explained to Chanyeol how he had called an ambulance after he passed out and how they had rushed him into emergency surgery to remove the infection. And removal of the infection also meant removal of any lingering feelings he had for Minseok. Chanyeol was well and truly free. 

 

***

 

A few weeks had passed and Chanyeol decided to introduce Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and Jongdae to his old group of friends. He was so thankful to be able to spend time with them again and the two groups meshed really well together. 

He knew he owed them an explanation for why he had been so absent, so he explained as simply as he could, and with a dry laugh he said “Ha, I'm never falling in love again.” 

Everyone chuckled, but Jongdae began to cough and he excused himself. But Chanyeol saw a bloody flower flutter to the floor as Jongdae hurried from the room; a purple chrysanthemum petal. Realization and dread settled in his stomach, and from the look Kyungsoo was giving him, he knew he had seen it too. 

Chanyeol excused himself as well and all but sprinted from the room to chase after Jongdae. He found him in the bathroom, huddled up against the bathtub, knees drawn up to his chest and the trash can by his side spotted with blood and purple petals. “... Jongdae?” Chanyeol whispered, not wanting to disturb the silence. 

Jongdae sniffles and turned his face away. “Don't worry about me, Chanyeol. I'll be okay.” 

“No, you won't.” Chanyeol insisted as he stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, sliding the lock into place. “I told myself that for over a year, and you saw where that got me.” 

“Well, I don't have much of a choice, do I?” Jongdae said with a bitter chuckle. “You said it yourself, you're not going to fall in love anytime soon.” 

Chanyeol knelt down next to Jongdae, reaching out hesitantly to cup his cheek but just clenching his fist and dropping it by his side instead. “That was a joke, Dae. A coping mechanism,” he whispered. 

“Well I'm glad this is funny to you,” Jongdae muttered, almost cruelly. 

“ _ No _ Dae, you don't  _ understand _ .” Chanyeol bit out through gritted teeth. “I was so wrapped up in Minseok that I couldn't see it before, but I think I've been falling for you for a long time.” 

This time he allowed himself to caress Jongdae’s cheek, but Jongdae flinched at the contact. “You're cruel,” he whispered. “You can't say that unless you mean it.” 

“I do mean it, Dae.” Chanyeol choked out, and tears started dropping down his own cheeks. But Jongdae was shaking his head, still trying to get away from Chanyeol’s touch. So Chanyeol did the only thing he could think to do. He leaned down and pressed his lips to Jongdae’s, bringing his other hand to Jongdae’s other cheek so he was cupping his face in both hands. Jongdae gasped into his mouth and stiffened, but then he was melting into Chanyeol’s touch. He whimpered and Chanyeol nipped at his bottom lip, tasting the mix of blood and tears on their lips. They exchanged a few more soft kisses, then Chanyeol pressed his forehead against Jongdae’s and they sat like that for a while, gasping into each other's mouths. 

“Okay,” Jongdae whispered, and he was trembling a little bit. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Chanyeol whispered back, and he laughed breathlessly. 

“Okay.” Jongdae repeated, and then he was kissing Chanyeol again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Flower by Seventeen, because that's an actual hanahaki song? Thanks boys. 
> 
> I read an Astro hanahaki that changed my life. The saddest but most beautiful and impactful 1.4k words I've ever read. And thus, this happened. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, love you.


End file.
